Tuesday, January 6, 2009

What do I search for through my submission

I was raised in a fundamental home and told it was my duty to live in submission to the men in my life which included my family and the men in my church. I did not like any of these men. The word submission hung in the back of my throat like a gag I could not remove. I never used the word, a word I thought by definition degraded me to a second class object, somewhat less than a human.

I find it ironic then that after years of rebelling against the notion of submission that I should search so frantically for the opportunity to submit. My days I have spent in submission at Roissy have been both painful and irresistible like the irresistible grace Calvin and his Protestants clung to so fiercely. In offering the gift of submission I accepted that symbolic gag that suppressed the rage I felt even I as young girl when I first heard the command to submit.
I surrendered and acknowledged the superiority of another in order to discover the path to total submission to another. That thorny road was filled with tears and loneliness, a struggle with the demons inside me that resisted a giving of myself for another. I have not conquered my will to resist entirely. But the search continues daily

So I come to the question: What do I search for through my submission to another? Perhaps it is the feel of being intertwined with the spirit of another, so close that the other's needs become my own. The closeness of the other next to me in spirit if not in reality is the means of truly knowing myself. The gift I give the other, My Mistress, is in reality the gift my Mistress gives to me. She becomes my purpose, my desire, my sense of self living within the other. Through her I am self-actualized. I know who I am. I am a submissive.

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